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I work at a law firm where I find myself about two days a week going back and fixing the mistakes of the people that work above me. It’s okay, though. No real problem. It is rather cathartic to continuously see the people who would kiss their own ass if given the ability to do so make bone-headed moves. Soon after their completely idiotic blunder (tell us how you really feel, Ken) Boss-Man comes up to me and asks me to fix it.

Heyo! Yes please! I love fixing other people’s mistakes for three simple reasons: usually the mistakes are so mindless and so idiotic that a monkey with a lobotomy could figure it out; it looks great when you can show your employer that you are, indeed, smarter than those fuck-wits a rung above you; and whilst performing said mind-numbingly easy assignments, I can sit back, relax, and listen to one of my many previously unheard WoW podcasts. (Rawrcast, anyone?)

I think that podcasting in World of Warcraft is what has really given me the greatest moments of passion for this game, whether it is hearing Scott Johnson and Randy Deluxe on The Instance Podcast or Shawn Coons and Patrick Beja on How I Wow, the podcasts really do provide the listener with a great amount of insight to not only the game, but to the living and breathing community surrounding it. After hearing Alachia’s How I Wow episode (number 15 if you’re interested) I became really intrigued on this idea of the ‘metaverse’ and all that crazy stuff she’s into. So, I went over to her website and downloaded all of her podcasts. Whilst listening to the thirtieth iteration of her podcast, I heard something that made me think…

In this episode, Alachia interviews two couples that discuss their forays into Azeroth and how these adventures strengthened and eventually helped them find love through the game. When discussing their reasons for choosing classes, the woman from the first interview spoke of originally rolling a priest because of her “maternal nature.” I have heard things similar to this in other places as well (Randy in his How I Wow alluded to this as well – without the use of the word maternal) and it got me thinking: are healers of this mindset that because we like to heal in the game that we are somehow caring, good people? Are we the last bastion of humanity in an ever-digitized world? Do we have a greater affinity for small, furry animals and a natural inclination towards cashmere? Do we, as healers, look back after a night of raiding and think of “that one that didn’t make it” because our penance was on cooldown and shed a single tear of sorrow onto the pages of our livejournals and xangas?

Hell-to-the-fuck no.

If I was doing this because I was some sort of saint and I just wished everyone to survive fights and bask in the warmth that is my greater heal, I’d probably shoot myself. The fact is I chose healing because I am a leader and because tanking is boring. Perhaps it is my fault as a power-obsessed ego-maniac, but I don’t feel like there is any stardom to be found in the ranks of the faceless lemmings that is dps classes. For this reason, I decided early on that I would be a priest, and I would be a good priest, and I would be SO good that I would be able to, at times, be “choosy”* with whom I grouped with. (although I have backed down on this recently… I’m leveling a faceless lemming on Staghelm named Quaazar, and im really liking it)

Healing is ultimately the biggest power trip you can have sitting in front of your computer. Think about it like this: if someone is jawing at you and you’ve had just about enough of his chuckle-fuck-nuttery you have the best power in the world. You can simply not heal him and watch him die… over and over again. It’s the ultimate power in the game because at the end of the day, your message will stick in their heads… and your message is that they are contemptuous little ass-grabs that have a five hundred gold repair bill. If that kind of power trip doesn’t set you off, go to a spinal surgeon and get a laminectomy to remove that posterial arch of complete pussitude. And since actions speak louder than words and money speaks louder than actions it is safe to assume that people will want to stay on your good side.

The best way I can describe it by using a metaphor from the world’s greatest philosopher: Vince Shlomi. In this analogy we will equate World of Warcraft with canned tuna. What’s healing then?

Healing is the Slap-Chop ™.

In the ever-present and timeless words of Mr. Shlomi: “Quit having boring tuna, quit having a boring life.” This is the mantra I live by every day.

Man that seemed like a lot of work for a Slap Chop joke… oh well.

Now its about time to wrap this up… some closing thoughts though: Why did you choose your spec? Was it for some reason other than mine? Let me know! I’ll try not to tell you off too hard for choosing the wrong one.

-Kenny D

*Choosy loosely translates to being a scoffing elitist prick who will roll his eyes so hard that you will feel it at your computer. If someone types out SIGH that is another good sign that the person you are running with is most likely a self-delusional asshat and a self-proclaimed “choosy” player, bent on making sure you understand that you are a mere object that he (or she) is using to claw their way to the top of the e-peen shit pile that is World of Warcraft. So while you’re reading this article, there’s a good chance that I’m being a badass in-game, and telling a random passerby that my left nut leveled up 200 points of fishing skill in an hour. Booyah muthatrucka.